Executive Hotels:  A chain of sex/fantasy hotels in Miami with an infamous patented Love Chair.

Location: Several locations in the Miami, FL area. Check their website for more info.

Cost: Ranges from $50-$300 for 3-hour stays or Overnights.

Our Overall Rating: 3/5

This place is wild. Not particularly clean, not particularly charming, but certainly an experience nonetheless!! They’re known for their patented “Love Chair” and “Wet Love Chair” which are some incredibly intimidating pieces of furniture you’ll find secured to their floors, some with pieces that are meant for “vibing your holes”, as Corey so eloquently put it. The Airport location offers some Theme rooms like Cave and Rainforest, and other locations are a little more geared to the Sexy vibes. Come here for a sexcapade, but you may want a different option for a good nights sleep. Come here to enjoy the poles, the dance floor lighting, the mirrors, the chairs, and then never speak of it again. JK definitely tell me your Executive stories omg.

Cleanliness Rating: 2/5

Not gonna lie, we brought our own bleach and no regrets. Didn’t walk away with any bug bites but we also didn’t lay on the sheets. No need when you have all those other furniture pieces! Two roaches were spotted but who’s counting…

Favorite Room: The Cave room at the Executive Airport hotel is an adventure to be sure!! The other favorite was the Executive Suite at the Grand Emperor location. Nothin’ like a zebra striped love chair.

Website: executivefantasyhotels.com/hotels

(Although the El Paraiso location website deserves its own link just for the background music: elparaisomotel.com

Booking Info: You can’t reserve the rooms online but call ahead to make sure the room you want is available or just show up and ask to see what’s available. They’ll show you what they have and give you prices for 3 hour stays.

Discount: No discount unless they agree to donate one of their Love Chairs to us.

Cove Haven: The crème de la crème of retro romance resorts. 

Location: 194 Lakeview Dr, Lakeville, PA 18438

Cost: Rooms range from $200-$400 depending on your Suite and dates. Don’t forget that includes the resort facilities as well as Breakfast and Dinner!

Our Overall Rating: 5/5

Take this place for what it is, a beautiful time capsule of honeymoon getaways that involve retro-chic rooms, kitschy decor, private whirlpools, and eclectic experiences like faux ice skating and live performances. This is a couples resort with so much to experience, and if you’re willing to see the charm instead of wish for more updates then this place is for you. In our experience they’ve been very helpful so if you have any issues with your room or stay be sure to ask for assistance. They’re vocal about their acceptance of LGBTQ+ couples and the other folks we’ve interacted with there have been friendly and fun! You meet couples on their honeymoon and also couples who have been vacationing there for decades. We recommend staying for a few days to fit in the activities like mini golf, skating, archery, group games, karaoke, tennis, boating, heart-shaped bar, and of course the in-room photoshoot you can book. Forget 5/5, this place is a 10/10 in our hearts.

Cleanliness Rating: 4/5

While the cleaning staff has always done a fantastic job in our experience, this place is retro! Things will be “outdated” and worn down in some cases but again, we see that as part of the charm. If you don’t like the retro decor but still want the resort experience, ask about their most recently updated rooms as they do have newer styles available!

Favorite Room: Champagne Tower is a classic but I have a soft spot in my heart for the Harbour Tower, and tbh I love them all.

Website: covepoconoresorts.com/our-resorts/cove-haven-lakeville-pa/

Discount Code: Available on our Patreon!

Red Carpet Inn & Fanta Suites: A large vintage theme hotel with a sketchy past.

Location: 1117 E Main St, Greenwood, IN 46143

Cost: $100-$200.

Our Overall Rating: 3.5/5:

My heart is forever torn on how to feel about this place. The rooms are INCREDIBLE. They are vintage, they are wild, they are detailed, they are offensive, they are perfect. The downside to this place is they’ve been tainted with a past of lots of reports about bed bugs and needles, two things you definitely don’t want to find in your hotel room. Having said that, we’ve done an afternoon stay and have LOVED it. (We booked for the whole night though as they were not offering afternoon rates). They have apparently been updating and cleaning and those are great things to hear, but I’m not ready to book a full weekend in one of their rooms. I will, however, continue to go for a few hours here and there to enjoy their incredible fantasy rooms.

Cleanliness Rating: 3/5

This place feels pretty worn down, but if you know me you know I prefer worn-down over replaced with something boring. So while I didn’t want to get completely comfortable here (probably because of the tainted past), I would never complain about the rooms. It’s still a roadside gem I hope never disappears. 

Favorite Room: The Pink Cadillac is incredible, as is the Alien Invasion, Cupid, Venice, and who could ever forget the Cinderella room with the “Glass Slipper” shaped tub!

Website: https://www.greenwoodfantasuites.com/

Booking Info: Their website has booking info but booking online has never worked for me. I recommend calling or emailing about reservations. Additionally, you can just show up and see what’s available.

Miami Princess Hotel: A roadside motel with some very vintage theme rooms.

Location: 4251 NW 11th St, Miami, FL 33126.

Cost: Ranges from $30-$150 for 3-hour stays or Overnights.

Our Overall Rating: 3/5

This place might not be worth a road trip but if you’re in the area, swing by and see if they have a theme room available. They’re very “outdated” and not particularly clean but they have some very cool original decor that’s so fun to see! A heart shaped bed, beveled mirrors, vintage cave room, what’s not to love. They offer the rooms at an hourly rate so don’t be afraid to do your own mini-tour!

Cleanliness Rating: 3/5

We didn’t stay overnight so I can’t speak for the bed but you definitely get the feeling that it’s a basic motel. Have some fun but if you don’t want to stay overnight just book the afternoon!

Favorite Room: The Heart room is worth a visit even though it’s worn down. They just don’t make them like they used to!

Website: miamiprincess.com – although the website comes and goes, so go for calling them about availability instead (305) 441-1862. 

Booking Info: We couldn’t book the theme rooms in advance but we called to let them know we were coming and they were very accommodating. They might tell you their theme rooms are worn down to give you a warning, so don’t complain about their state. Enjoy what you can if you’re into this kinda thing!

Episode: Not a full episode but here’s our Instagram Story from there!

Sybaris Pool Suites: A chain of romantic adults-only hotels that offer private pools, massage chairs, and sex hammocks and baskets.

Location: Locations across the midwest in Illinois, Indiana, and Wisconsin. Check their website for more info.

Cost: Ranges from $100-$600 depending on the Suite and length of stay.

Our Overall Rating: 5/5

You know when you’re a kid and you think being an adult is probably awesome, but the reality is most of being an adult isn’t that awesome? Well, Sybaris Pool Suites is like what I hoped being an adult would be like. It’s awesome. A private, clean hotel room with a jacuzzi, massage chairs, pool, water slide, and some kind of sex swing? Yes, absolutely. That’s what you get with their top-tier room the Chalet Swimming Pool Suite. That one isn’t cheap, but they offer an afternoon-only rate at a discount and you’d better believe we took advantage. Their other rooms might not be as wild but they’re still clean and offer quite the romantic evening if you’re ready for it! If you live in the midwest and are looking for a romantic winter getaway without going far, this is your spot. Don’t let people tell you staying at this place is gross. 😉

Cleanliness Rating: 5/5

Every room we’ve seen here is spotless. Everything felt very clean and sanitary, which is nice when you’re using a pool and sex swing…

Favorite Room: Chalet Swimming Pool Suite. Absolutely saving up to stay in this one for a full overnight asap. If you’re looking for something more budget-friendly, give them a call and ask which suites offer intimacy hammocks or sex swings of some kind. Those still have jacuzzi’s and are not as expensive so you’ll really get the bang for your buck.

Website: sybaris.com

Booking Info: We’ve booked through their website and haven’t had any issues! You do need a membership to stay here but they gave us a FREE membership code for you!!!

Discount: Use offer code “PRETTYCOOL” for a FREE membership. If you don’t see where to put this in online, give them a call and they’ll help you sort it out! Memberships last for a full year.